


Primal

by CantSpeakFae



Series: The Scars Souvenir [6]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Episode Revision + Revist, Hyena!Xander, Missing Scenes, Written from Xander's P.O.V
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 15:10:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18143816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantSpeakFae/pseuds/CantSpeakFae
Summary: Xander could just eat her up, too. Actually, he could anything. He’s starved.





	Primal

**The Zoo.**  
  
That growl sends a deep, shuddering chill through Xander’s body, distracting him from the very manly beat down he was either going to give… or, more likely, going to _receive_ from Kyle and his obnoxious group of bullying buddies. They all turn their heads like the hyena’s had called them by name, staring into the cage.   
  
A flash of green and he feels so… strange. Floating up, up, up. Shoved back and locked away in the darkness to make room for something new. Something strong. Something _primal_. Something falls behind him, makes a whimpering noise, and Kyle and his cronies all laugh. It’s a high-pitched, keening sound and Xander twitches, slowly turning his head too.   
  
His eyes flash green and he laughs too.  
  


* * *

  
**The Bus.**  
  
He doesn’t talk to Buffy or Willow on the ride home. Doesn’t answer their questions with anything more than a nod or a shrug here and there. Doesn’t laugh at their jokes. He’s aware of them, of course… Willow frets, Buffy frowns, but he’s aware of other things too. The way the air smells, the taste of the scents that he never caught before. Subtle, artificial ones like the perfume that Cordelia Chase dabbed behind her ears or the strawberry of Willow’s shampoo. But other ones, too. Shame. Excitement. Desperation. Two of their classmates are wrapped ‘round each other, tongues in each other’s mouths, and Xander can scent lust coming off of them. It’s bizarre but centering.   
  
“I can hear the worms in the earth.”   
  
Someone had told him that, once. Someone had told him about feeling connected. That’s what he feels, now, in tune with everything. Smarter than he’s ever been. Stronger, too.   
  
He grins and tilts his head back, feigning a nap to get Willow to stop trying to engage him in a conversation. And he realizes, that even with his eyes closed… he’s aware of the others. Not everyone on the bus, but Kyle, Tor, Rhonda, and Heidi. He can feel them. And he feels…  
  
He opens his eyes again and catches Kyle staring at him. His eyes narrow.  
  


* * *

  
**The School.**  
  
They’re standing together, long after everyone else has headed for home, out in the grassy field, away from anyone who might be skulking around, even though all the _smart_ Sunnydalites are long gone to the next safe point in their lives, protecting themselves from dangers they haven’t fully acknowledged.   
  
“Who leads us?” Heidi asked. The question is odd to his human ears, but he internalizes it as the most natural question in the world.   
  
Kyle stepped forward, sizing Xander up with his eyes. Xander stares back, his jaw set at a hard angle.  
  
“Only one way to find out.” Kyle decides, swaggering forward while the rest of them skitter back and out of the way, laughing in anticipation of the fight. But Xander doesn’t even flinch. He knows something that they don’t know. Something that ensures that’s going to win.   
  
He knows he can take a hit.   
  
And he knows he can give on right back.  
  
It’s over quickly. Kyle falls on his back and stays there in supplication and the laughter gets louder. Xander steps back, jerking his head, gesturing for him to get back up. Now they know. And Xander has other things to do.  
  


* * *

  
**Home**.  
  
Tony is there. Tony smells like stale shame and beer and it burns Xander’s nose. He grimaces with distaste when he walks through their house - his den - empty beer cans and glass shards crunching under his shoes like old bones from previous kills. And he has every intention of just going up to his room and maybe taking a nap until nightfall, but Tony’s in a mood and he grabs Xander by the back of his sweater before he can get too far and yanks him back.  
  
“Where the fuck are you running off to?” Tony asked. “What, too good to hang out with your family, now?”   
  
“Whaddya mean “now”?” Xander asked, his tone just shy of mocking… and dangerously calm. He’s just fought one male and he can take down another. In fact, he might do it even if Tony backs down. Just for fun. “Let go of my sweater.”   
  
“Fuckin’ smart mouth, huh?” Tony asks, getting to his feet. He sways and let’s go of Xander’s jacket, but only so he can swing at him, aiming to punch the back of Xander’s head, but Xan’s too fast now. Or maybe Tony’s just moving slowly. Either way, he dodges it with ease, stepping back, hands raised in a mock-fighter stance, grinning as “Dad” sways forward. He swings again, but Xander dodges again, and Tony trips over himself, falling into beer cans and broken glass with a crash.  
  
And Xander laughs in his face.  
  


* * *

  
**The Bronze.**  
  
Crowded. Noisy. But good. Lots of smells, lots of people. Energy pulsing. Hearts thrumming. He steps in, people get out of his way. They can feel it, the energy, but they don’t know what he knows. He locks eyes with a girl as he passes. Pretty, but weak. She stares after him. Hopeful. He’s not interested. Keeps walking.   
  
His girls. He picks them out of the crowd. Buffy ~~(golden, shining, pretty, strong)~~ and Willow ~~(strawberry, delicate, gentle, muted)~~ are sitting at a table. Willow’s eyes look up expectantly. Meet his. Buffy looks past.   
  
“Girls!” He says, coming up to them.   
  
“Boy!” Buffy answers, looking at him with surprise.   
  
He sits. He stares. He doesn’t like that name. But he lets it go. For now.  
  
“Sorry I'm late, I... just forgot that we were gonna be here.” He says.   
  
He’s been roaming. Traveling. Tracking. Smelling. Sunnydale has so much. Stuff to learn. Hungry. He eyes Buffy’s croissant.   
  
“Hungry!” He says, out loud, tearing a piece off and eating it.   
  
They’re staring.   
  
Willow speaks first. Gentle tone, submissive. He likes that. She knows her place already. “Xander, you still want me to help with geometry, tomorrow? We can work after class…”  
  
Xander takes a drink of the cola, keeping his gaze on her, then gives her a thumbs up. “Yeah.” He does want. He remembers. He looks at Buffy. She looks offended. She doesn’t know why. Clan shares food. Hunt, kill, share. “What is this crap?”   
  
“Well, it _was_ my buttery croissant.”  
  
Ugh. Bad. Not meat. Not good enough. Bad kill. He expected better from her. “Man, I need some food! Birds live on this!”  
  
Buffy and Willow look at each other and then at Xander, eyes wide. Uncertain. He looks back and forth at them, annoyed.  
  
“What?”  
  
“What's up with you?” Buffy demands. Strong, again.   
  
“Is something wrong? Did I do something?”   
  
Willow’s timid. Xander turns his gaze to her. ~~She’s young. Juvenile. Defend.~~  
  
“What could you possibly do? That’s crazy talk. I’m just… restless.”   
  
Wants to hunt. Wants to feed. Energy here is good. He wants more.   
  
“Well, we could go to the ice cream place…”  
  
No. Bad Willow. Xander points at the table.  
  
“I like it here.” He snaps, looking around, scanning the area. Something smells. He leans toward Buffy, getting close to her hair, sniffing. Oh, it’s her.   
  
“Okay, now what?” Buffy asked, irritated.  
  
“You took a bath.”   
  
Too clean. Doesn’t smell right. Too soft and flowery. He wants danger and edge.   
  
“Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it.”  
  
She must feel bad. He would too, if he lost scent. He sighs.  
  
“That's okay.”   
  
Willow and Buffy exchange another look. Buffy scowls. “And the weird behavior award goes to…”  
  
Xander senses something. He shifts, eyes locking in on Kyle’s. Something possessive ripples through him. Clan. Pack. Human words for an animal, visceral feeling. Owned. Bonded. But, not now. Now he’s with solitary females - not time for them.   
  
“Oh, great. It’s the winged monkeys.” Buffy mutters.   
  
Kyle hears. He starts to approach, the rest of them in tow. Xander stares back at them, his expression hardening. Not now. He’s busy. Kyle meets his gaze, challenging. No words exchanged, but Kyle gives in, first. Recognizes who’s in charge. He turns and walks away. Xander steals another drink of Buffy’s cola, watching as they approach another table. Listening.   
  
“You know, I don’t understand why you’re sitting at our table.”   
  
“Yeah, shouldn't you be hovering over the football stadium with 'Goodyear' written on you?”  
  
They all laugh. High-pitched, keening sound. Xander joins in, his laugh the loudest. He turns, expecting to see Buffy and Willow equally amused ~~(the strong pick on the weak. Eat.~~ ) but they’re not and he stops laughing.   
  
They didn’t get the joke. Clearly.   
  
“Kid’s fat.” He explains.   
  


* * *

  
**The School.**  
  
Desperation. Many people. Clans and packs. Divided. No claimed territory. And the book. Stupid book that Willow has in his lap. She’s sitting beside him. Talking. Explaining. He doesn’t like it. Words flip on the page. She reads to him, but it doesn’t make sense. Blurred. Angles. Numbers.   
  
“I'm not getting this.” He snaps. No more talking. Math is stupid. Human. Not for him.  
  
“It's simple, really. See, 'The bisector of a vertex is the line that divides the angle at that vertex into two equal parts.'”   
  
Not simple. Makes no sense, whether he reads it or she says it.  
  
“It's like a big blur, all these numbers, and angles.”  
  
“It's the same stuff from last week. You had it down then.” Willow implores. Trying to help. Touching his arm.   
  
“Why do I need to learn this?” He asks, annoyed. Unnecessary. Not to do with hunting or clan or mating or rearing cubs.  
  
“'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math?” Willow offers.  
  
“Explain the part where that’s bad.”   
  
Rubbing the bridge of his nose. Headache. Not meant to be out during the day. Should be sleeping.  
  
“You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.” Willow said, trying for funny, but it just irritates Xander. He rubs his right temple and Willow reaches up to do the same. “Do you have a headache?”   
  
Xander shoves her off. Not his mate and he’s not interested in play fighting with the juvenile. “Yeah. And I think I know what’s causing it.” He takes the book and throws it into the trash. “Ah! That’s better. It goes right to the source of the pain.”   
  
Book bad. Book gone. Easy.   
  
“Xander…”  
  
She’s disappointed and he’s annoyed. “Look, forget it, okay? I don’t get it. I won’t ever.”   
  
He stands. Restless. Hungry. Misses his clan.   
  
“I don’t care.” He finishes, throwing his notebook down into Willow’s lap and storming off. Leaving in a huff.   
  


* * *

  
**The game.**  
  
It’s got the thrill of hunting, but without the taste of fresh meat to soothe the hunger inside. Fun. Normally, he’d hate this game - hate standing there, waiting to be picked off one by one by the stronger players. There’s no fear of that, now. He looks and he sees. Buffy and Willow, his girls, standing on the other side of him. Across the room. He’d drawn closer to his pack, his clan, but they’d drawn away. Fine. If that was how they wanted it. Not with then against. He glanced back, feeling them flanking him. His pack, his clan, his family. Laughter threatening to bubble up. They pick up their weapons and the game begins.  
  
His aim is good. He doesn’t miss anyone, but everyone misses him. He dodges with ease, second nature, he can feel it coming before the ball has even left their hands. One by one, the weaker ones go down. He sees Willow - red, the juvenile - not paying attention. Weak. Disdain creeps into him and he throws the ball, hard, hitting her back. She turns and looks at him with hurt and confusion. Someone lobs a ball at him. He catches without looking away, watching her go. Smiling.  
  
A riff of laughter rippled among the others and he knows what they’re thinking and that it’s in line with his own thoughts. They go where he goes. They do what he says.   
  
The herd thins. Less and less. Their own team is demolished until it’s just him. Just him and his clan… and Lance. They’re all that’s left, staring down the other side. Buffy. By herself. One ball in her hand, and all of them holding one. Easy target.  
  
But Buffy is strong.   
  
Xander turns. So does Kyle and the rest. Lance knows what’s coming and he drops. He cowers. Weak. Unimportant. Ready to be devoured. One by one, they all throw their ball at him. Hard. The sound echoes in the quiet of the room.   
  
But then Buffy is there. Helping Lance up, staring at him like she’s never seen him before and Xander is a little disgusted. Not with himself, but with her. Why would the strong help the weak?   
  
Bell rings. Game over. He’s hungry.   
  
He walks away, his clan behind him.   
  


* * *

  
**The Hallways.**  
  
Willow is waiting for him. Like always. But he’s not interested in her company. He has his own, now. A clan. A pack. Leadership looks good on him. Feels good. Tastes good, too. He plans to walk right by her, but she stops him. She talks.  
  
“Xander... What's wrong with you?”   
  
He’s annoyed. He glances at his clan, telling them to stay put without saying anything at all, then grabs Willow by her arm and pulls her aside. Desperation and uncertainty pour off of her like a perfume. He wants to inhale it and wants to be away from it all at once.  
  
“I guess you've noticed that I've been different around you lately.”  
  
“Yes.” Willow nods. She’s pale and confused and small and he just wants to eat her up.  
  
“I think, um... I think it's because my feelings for you have been changing.”  
  
He gets a whiff of Buffy’s perfume. She comes around the corner and goes to her locker, staring at it but listening to them. He can tell. He wants to laugh.  
  
“And, well, we've been friends for such a long time that I feel like I need to tell you something.”  
  
Willow looks at him expectantly. Hopefully. He can’t fight the grin that curls his lips.  
  
“I've, um... I've decided to drop geometry. So I won't be needing your math help anymore. Which means I won't have to look at your pasty face again.”  
  
Laughter echoes. He steps away, grinning widely, falling in front of his clan again. Willow’s expression falls and she turns and runs away. Buffy’s there in an instant, ever the defender of the weak and devourable. Xander could just eat her up, too. Actually, he could anything. He’s starved.  
  
“You gonna say something to me?” Buffy demands.   
  
Xander just stares. The laughter picks back up, again, and he turns, walking away. Taking his pack with him.  
  


* * *

  
**Outside.**  
  
Hungry.  
  
Hunting.   
  
Nothing they find is good enough. Three boys sitting at a table, food on their plates. They dive in, scavenging, but it’s not good enough. Too cooked. Tastes like smoke. No blood, no pain. Xander walks away. The hunt is still on.  
  


* * *

  
**The faculty room.**  
  
They find exactly what they wanted.   
  
“Let’s do lunch,” Xander says, kneeling down at Herbert’s cage.  
  
The pig squeals and Xander laughs.  
  


* * *

  
**The Faculty room.**  
  
He hunted. He ate. Blood still flavours his tongue and there are bone fragments in his teeth. His stomach feels full. Good. Happy. But not completely sated. There’s more he wants to do - more he wants to have. A mate. Someone who’s all his. Someone strong. It’s no accident that Buffy’s scent is the first he catches. He can’t think of anyone stronger than her - anyone who’s more deserving of being his.   
  
He rounds the corner and steps back into the room where he last ate. Staring in. Smiling. Watching as Buffy investigates. She turns and jumps at the sight of him.  
  
“Xander!”   
  
She squeaks and tries to move past him. But he’s too fast. He’s there in an instant, blocking her way out. And she sighs, her expression hardening.   
  
“This is ridiculous. We need to talk.”   
  
She fakes him out and jumps on him. He’s startled and falls back, onto the ground, lying on his back with her on top of him, holding down his arms. But there’s no fear, just satisfaction and he grins.   
  
“Been waitin’ for you to jump my bones.”   
  
But he’s the alpha, here and he rolls. Growling and knocking her over. His strength is new and surprises her, giving him enough wiggle room to be on top of _her_ now, keeping her arms pinned down  
  
“Get off of me.” Buffy hisses, her eyes wide, angry, and afraid.   
  
“Is that what you really want?” He asks, laughing when she struggles underneath him. It doesn’t matter. Hunt. Kill. Eat. Mate. That’s the cycle. That’s nature. That’s instinct. “We both know what you really want. You want danger, don't cha? You like your men dangerous.”  
  
Buffy still squirms, voice desperate. “You're in trouble, Xander. You are infected with some hyena thing, it's like a demonic possession!”   
  
Her words don’t mean anything to her. He’s not possessed. He’s not infected. He IS the hyena. Strong. Dangerous.   
  
“Dangerous and mean, right?” He says, out loud. “Like Angel. Your Mystery guy. Well, guess who just got mean.”   
  
He snaps his teeth at her. Blood stained and wanting.   
  
“Do you know how long... I've waited... until you'd stop pretending that we aren't attracted…”  
  
Buffy throws him off of her, surprising him. He lands against the floor but jumps up just as quickly as she does, stepping forward as she backs away.   
  
“...Until Willow… stops kidding herself… that I could settle with anyone but you?”   
  
“Look, Xander, I don't wanna hurt you…”  
  
He grabs Buffy by the shoulders and pushes her against the vending machine. Silencing that train of thought. “Now do you wanna hurt me?”  
  
Buffy struggles, but he’s strong. Too strong. Stronger than HER. Stronger than anyone.  
  
“Come on, Slayer. I like it when you're scared.” He purrs in her ear as she squirms. “The more I scare you, the better you smell.”   
  
He leans in and presses his mouth roughly to her neck, unsure if he wants to just kiss her or tear her throat out. She smells delicious. She smells like food and like a mate and he is completely unprepared for the kick that sends him flying off her.   
  
And even less prepared when she picks up the desk and hits him in the head with it, knocking him out cold.  
  


* * *

  
**The Cage.**    
  
Xander sits up with difficulty He’s stronger, now, and healing quickly… but not quickly enough for the ringing in his ears to stop or the throbbing in his head to subside entirely. He aches everywhere and his stomach churns like the pain might make him throw up.  
  
“Willow.” He calls, without looking. He can smell her there.   
  
She turns something off and looks over at him. Fear and distrust in her gaze. But concern, too, at the way he’s sitting and holding his head. “How are you feeling?”   
  
“Like somebody hit me with a desk.” He groans, nearly whimpering. He lets go of his head and looks around. “What am I doin’ here?”   
  
Willow approaches. Her expression is drawn and gaunt. She looks so small and helpless and appetizing. He’s so hungry. Food will fix his head, he’s sure of it. If he can just get her close enough…  
  
“You’re...resting?” She offers. He growls.   
  
“You guys got me locked up now.” He says as he stands, staring at her through the bars of the cage. ~~**He hates cages. Hates them. He remembers. The Monster. Giant bug, locking him up. Threatening him. Hates it. Hates it. Hates her for doing this to him.**~~  
  
“Cause, you’re sick! Buffy said…”   
  
“Oh, yeah.” Xander interrupts. “Buffy and her all-purpose solution: punch 'em out 'n' knock 'em down. I'd love to see what she'd do to somebody who was REALLY sick.”  
  
“That's not fair. Buffy saved both of our lives.” Willow said, ever the defender.  
  
“Before she came here our lives didn't need that much saving, did they? Weren't things a lot simpler when it was just you and me?”   
  
And Jesse. But that’s not the angle that’s going to draw Red closer to him. She does step forward at the promise of affection in his voice, though. The bait is dangled and she can’t seem to help herself.  
  
“Maybe…” She says, reluctantly.   
  
“When we were alone together... Willow, I know there's something wrong with me. I think it's gettin' worse. But I can't just stand around waitin' for Buffy to decide it's time to punch me out again.” He sighs, sharply, holding his head again. God, it really hurts. “Look, I want you to help me. I want you.”  
  
“I am helping you.”  
  
He sighs, again. Sharper, this time. “You’re doing what you’re told.”  
  
“Buffy's trying to help you, too. You know that. Or Xander does.”  
  
“Yeah... Buffy's so selfless. Always thinking of us. Well, if I'm so dangerous, how come she left you alone with me?”  
  
Willow scowled, definitely. “I told her to.”  
  
Well, now, that was interesting. Maybe she does have a deathwish.  
  
“Why?”   
  
“ 'Cause I know you better than she does... and I wanted to be here to see if... you were still you.”  
  
Xander lets go of his head again to hold out his arms, opening himself up. “You know I am. Look at me.”   
  
She doesn’t. Xander drops his hands again, his voice growing more imploring, trying to force her attention onto him.   
  
“Loooook.”  
  
Willow moves even closer, so close that she’s nearly touching the bars of the cage. Whispering, “Xander…”  
  
Close enough. Xander makes to grab for her through the book return slot in the cage, but she jerks out of the way just in time, her eyes narrowing.   
  
“Now I know.”   
  
Xander raised his hand, fury overtaking the humanity he’d been faking. His eyes flashing green.   
  
“LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!” He screamed, banging on the cage.  
  


* * *

  
**The Cage.**  
  
“Willow…” Xander called, resting his head against the bars.   
  
“I’m not listening.”   
  
“ _Wiiiiiiilloooooow_ …”  
  
That voice wasn’t his, this time. Xander’s gaze darts upward and a feral grin curls his lips. There’s Kyle… and Heidi. Peering in through the window, their gazes finding Xander, who tilted his head back and had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing too loudly.  
  
“ _Wiiillooow_ …” Kyle calls, again, in a perfect imitation of Xander’s voice.   
  
Willow turned her head, sharply, looking at the cage. “Xander, shut up!”   
  
Xander just smiles, his lips pressed tightly together, watching her eyes widen as Kyle calls again. “ _Wiiiiillooooow_ ….”  
  
Too late. Willow whips her head to the window where the sound is coming from, and Kyle and Heidi kick in the windows. Glass falls and Willow bolts. Xander laughs as he watches her go but then starts banging his hands on the cage. _ **Get him out. Get him out. Get him**_ -  
  
They pry down the door, together freeing Xander, who jumps at them. Whining and sniffing and _nuzzling_. Hands gripping his arms, making sure he’s okay. He nods his head, silently confirming, and they stare where Willow disappeared from. Still hungry. Still _ANGRY_. He starts off in her direction and the rest of them follow, hot on his tracks while he’s hot on hers.  
  
They split up, sniffing in every direction. Xander catches a whiff of her fear and her perfume and bolts in that direction, Heidi with him. An empty classroom, but he can hear her heartbeat. He tilts his head, gesturing for Heidi to go and starts away himself… but he just slams the door shut, with him still inside. Waiting.   
  
She creeps out, slowly, turning to look if the coast is clear, too little too late, and screams at the sight of him. If he wasn’t so hungry, he might’ve laughed, but he growls instead and leaps over the desk at her.   
  
Willow runs around the desk to get away and tips over another desk to block Xander's way. He comes after her and trips over it, snarling, while Willow runs out the door. He hears Heidi’s growl, but then her gasp of pain, and bolts out. Slayer. Figures. He rushes her, but she kicks him and he falls next to Heidi and snarls, reaching for her. Trying to help her up as she feebly stirs.   
  
The rest of the clan appear at the end of the hall, snarling.   
  
“Run!” Giles shouts.   
  
The Clan does. They bolt at them, snarling and screaming.  
  


* * *

  
**Outside.**    
  
They lost Buffy and the rest. But there isn’t time to wait it out. Hungry. Too hungry. Need something. Anything. Weak and crunchy. Xander and his clan swoop in on the first morsels they see, a little family with a little kid. They descend on the car, jumping on it. Jumping at it. Banging their fists against the metal and chanting.   
  
“Joey… Joey….”   
  
“What going on?! Hey! Get off! Get off of there!”  
  
Xander breaks the window with his elbow, ignoring the cries of the man inside. Easiest prey is the body in the backseat. He growls and reaches for him, only to have his hand smacked away by the mother, screaming for her son.   
  
“Joey! Joey! Joey!”   
  
“Didn’t your mom teach you?” A voice shouts at him. Xander freezes. He knows that voice. “Don’t play with your food.”  
  
He pulls his hand away from the kid and crawls out of the car. He’s all cut up from the broken glass, but he can’t even feel it. His clan draws in, flanking him. Staring at her.   
  
“C’mon.” Buffy says, her hands on her hips. “You know what you want.”   
  
Then she turns and runs and Xander’s laughter echoes in the night when he gives chase.  
  


* * *

  
**The Zoo.**  
  
He’s so close. He’s GOT her. He grabs her from behind and tackles her to the floor. More bodies pile on top of his, teeth snapping, hands grabbing. Time to eat. Time to -  
  
Weird chanting distracts him. They all look up, drawn to the words. A flash of green… and then he’s dropping back down from where he floated up to. Switching places. The primal feeling takes the back of his mind and Xander takes the front.   
  
What is going on? What -   
  
“WILLOW!”   
  
He’s up and on his feet the second that the Zookeeper has his teeth to her throat and he charges. There’s no challenging snarl of another animal, just the fierce determination of a Xan-Man. He knocks him down and off of Willow, reeling back when he takes a blow to the face. Buffy steps in and it’s over before it can even really begin. The zoo-guy is chow and Buffy is horrified, watching until she can’t anymore, and then she moves over to Xander, who unties Willow.   
  
None of them say anything to Xander. They don’t really have a chance. After Giles approaches, he just… bolts. Mumbling about seeing them the next day.  
  


* * *

  
His house.   
  
“Tell them we don’t remember.”   
  
Xander’s expression twists.   
  
He doesn’t know how Kyle knows where he lives. Well, maybe he has an inkling. He hasn’t stopped being bombarded by scents, yet, residual energy from the hyena that had been inside of him, but it makes less sense to his totally human brain that it had to his totally animal one. But they’re standing on the sidewalk outside of his house, just the two of them, staring each other down.   
  
“Kyle, man, I don’t -”   
  
“Look, man, you weren’t there. You didn’t eat the guy. Now, I talked to the others. They don’t want to talk about this any more than I do. Heidi’s been crying nonstop and Tor’s talking about moving. I don’t want to go to jail - you think they’d take “possessed by hyena” as a fucking cover story?”   
  
“No one knows that you guys did it besides me and them. And we wouldn’t tell anyone.”   
  
“Xander, please. We don’t ever have to talk again after this. Hell, I’ll be the nicest guy in Sunnydale. Just don’t tell them that we remember. You musta done some shit too. Don’t you have something you don’t want them to know that you or that you know you did?”  
  
“It wasn’t us. It was…”   
  
“Please.”   
  
It’s too much. But Xander nods.   
  
“Okay. I’ll try. Okay?”   
  
“Thank you. Thank you so much.”   
  
Kyle lunges forward, hugging him. It’s purely out of appreciation, but Xander can feel the ghost of the bond they’d had and hugs him back, awkwardly, before Kyle pulls back and storms off without another word.   
  
It feels a little bit like loss when he goes, and a little bit like loneliness.  
  


* * *

  
**The School.**  
  
The next day is bright. Too bright, too cheery, and too accepting. They walk, together. Him, Buffy, and Willow. Willow’s chatting, filling up the silence.   
  
“I heard the vice-principal's taking over till they can find a replacement.”  
  
“It shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.”  
  
Okay. Here goes nothing. They hadn’t really talked about it, yet, apart from him mumbling that he didn’t remember, but this was his opening. “Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?”   
  
“Oh, right,” Buffy says, with a shrug while Willow shook her head. “You only ate the pig.”   
  
Cue the shock. Faux shock.   
  
“I ate a pig? Was it cooked and called bacon or…???”  
  
The girls shake their heads. And Xander covers his face. His disgust isn’t fake. He really does feel sick to his stomach with the memory of the blood and the bones and the meat. “Oh, my God! I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck!”  
  
“Well, it wasn't really you.” Buffy offers, sympathetically.  
  
“Well, I remember I was goin' on the field trip, and then goin' down to the Hyena House, and next thing some guy's holding Willow and he's got a knife.”   
  
The lie hurts on the way up, but the girls look… relieved, surprisingly enough.  
  
“You saved my life,” Willow said. Somehow still looking at him like they were friends, even after everything he did and said to her.   
  
He doesn’t deserve her. But, he hugs her anyway. Tightly.   
  
“Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow!”   
  
“This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.” Buffy agrees.   
  
And he hesitates. After what he did to her, after he made her feel what Ms. French had made him feel. The fear and the disgust and the shame… well, he can’t just… He swallows, hard, and decides to open the door for that discussion. Let her tell him.   
  
“I didn’t do anything else, did I, around you guys or anything embarrassing?”   
  
They smile and Xander can feel Buffy considering what to tell him. Tell him that he attacked her - that he tried to eat a kid. That he hit them and hurt them and doesn’t deserve to be their friends anymore.  
  
But she just shakes her head. “Nah!”   
  
“Not at all.”   
  
“C’mon,” Buffy says to Willow. “We’re gonna be late.”   
  
She takes her by the hand and they start off to their next class, leaving Xander waving as they go, making some joke about lunch, and then turning, having already decided to blow off his next class in favour of going to some quiet place and hating himself for a while. But he runs into Giles, instead, who nudges him off to the side and speaks quietly to him.   
  
“I’ve been reading up on my, uh, animal possession and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterward.”   
  
Of course. If anyone could find a detailed recounting of animal possessions and what is and is not true about them, it would be Giles. Panic settles in and he stares at him. Waiting to be yelled at. Waiting to be told how disgusting it is that he’s pretending not to know what he did - that he’s telling them that he doesn’t remember what the hyena made him do.   
  
“Did you tell them that?” Xander asks, softly.   
  
But Giles leans in and whispers in his ear. “Your secret dies with me.”  
  
It’s not what Xander was expecting to hear and no amount of relief can combat the shame. He shakes his head.   
  
“Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.” He says, stalking off in the opposite direction after Giles pats his shoulder. Small comfort that he doesn’t deserve.   
  


* * *

  
**His house.**  
  
Xander stares at his dad from his seat at the bottom of the stairs for a long time before he starts to move. Tony hadn’t spoken a word to him since the night before.   
  
Xander walks across the room. He takes the beer bottle out of Tony’s hand and he throws it against the wall. It shatters and a dark puddle forms on the carpet and Tony’s bloodshot eyes flash to Xander, who just smiles grimly and thinks that this is the only penance he’s gonna get that doesn’t go back on the promise he made to Kyle.   
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you, boy?” Tony shouts, jumping up to his feet.   
  
Xander just shrugs. “Turns out I’m an asshole just like my dad. What’re you gonna do about it?”   
  
 _And somewhere inside of him, the hyena laughs._


End file.
